He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
