You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
