We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
