his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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