shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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