I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
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