I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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