He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
