Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
