her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
