You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
