Your mouth is God's brothel.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
