I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
