I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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