dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
