I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
