I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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