Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
