you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
