Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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