Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
