i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Too much gin, very little bucket
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
