They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
