so explain again why im purple
no
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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