Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
