Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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