Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
