So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
