Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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