I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
