She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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