Your dad touched me again.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I need to stop coming to work sober
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
