I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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