hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
