The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
