At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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