A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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