Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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