remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
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