Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
