two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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