I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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