About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
