My Higher Power is John Stamos
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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