There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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