Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
