How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
are you so shy because you have an std?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
