Someone shit on the floor
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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