So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Randomize
