1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
