You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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